Instructions On How To Beat Bad Players
With an unprecedented number of folks at the table the poker world has more obscenely bad players now than ever. Rookies, maniacs, donkeys, and straight up gamblers ensure that the knowledgeable player can and will trip over these human obstacles without fail. You name it and they do it. Due to the sheer number of speculators making insane calls some bad beats are unavoidable.
The real danger from this type of unfortunate happenstance isn’t losing the money on the bad beat, it’s losing your ability to win it back. Tilt, steaming, or whatever you want to call it playing poker in a fog of rage or blood lust seldom leads to profitable decision making.
Rookies all over saw Doyle Brunson win the WSOP for a second time with the same hand, 10-2 offsuit. Everybody saw Kido Pham win a World Poker Tour title largely due to an unbelievable call when he was dominated and holding J-10. Not understanding the nuances of final table play new players look at these televised moments as instructional videos.
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In order to intelligently discuss donkey herding let’s take a look at some of the sub species of this bleating beast. Donkeys are diverse but testosterone is commonly a factor hence the use of the masculine pronoun below without offense intended to any group.
The straight up donkey. Donkus Normalus. This player isn’t necessarily stupid. He doesn’t know any better. He knows that experienced players may try to bully him so he won’t lay down middle pair. He knows any two cards can win so without a healthy raise he will see the flop with an unpredictable range of hands.
This player does not understand the nuances of the game. Tricky play won’t work on him. If you are in a pot with the straight up donkey you are going to have to show them a winning hand. Basic by the book ABC poker and nothing else. Remember, the straight up donkey calls for straight up poker.
The maniac. Donkus Maniacus. This is a donkey with an unbeatable system. This donkey has done his homework, thank you very much, and he knows that aggressive crazy play is the only way to win. The maniac sub specie of donkey often presents as a bully type of personality. Remain calm and tighten up on your play. Bullies respond favorably to a good old fashioned beating. How fortunate, a tidy profit for you.
Do not respond to the offensive chatter whether it’s in your ear or on the screen. This player may have come in deep or been on a rush and have a large stack. They can be short stacked and still a threat. Pick your spot and trap this wild donkey for maximum profit. Wait for position on this fool, the button is your buddy especially in trying times like this.
The drunk. Donkimus intoxicatus. This stumbling donkey may not even be a poker player, yet with liquid poker lessons under their belt here they are. Big stack of chips and seemingly on a bulletproof rush. So drunk that calling an all in with 7-2 off suit is amusing to them. When they draw out it’s down right hilarious. You aren’t laughing.
Fair enough but let’s not get too tragically bent here either. The buzz and the rush can not and will not last forever. Again patience is the key but this donkey is too wasted to recognize a beating for what it is. Pity, you are just going to have to take all their chips until they walk it off. Set traps with your strongest hands. The drunk will have trouble putting you on a hand and will not be reading the board to the best of their ability. If you hit a double belly buster draw it’s like drunken donkey kryptonite.
Regardless of the sub species involved, remember that all donkeys are gifts. They will give you bad beats but in the long run they are a revenue stream in cash games and chip donors in tournaments. This is what gives the young professionals an edge. They understand this and hone their donkey herding skills to a fine edge. Where a more traditional player may berate a donkey for a foolish play that draws out, the skilled modern method poker player will congratulate them and feign admiration.
The most important piece of gear in the donkey herder’s saddlebag is the ability to remain calm in the face of sheer stupidity. The loss from a lucky draw pales in comparison to what your bankroll will suffer from a good old fashioned tilt session. Donkey beats are lined with gold. Congratulate donkeys on their gutsy play then take their money.
Above all remember your mantra: “There’s gold in them there donkeys”. Because it’s true. Happy herding.
